The revelatory resolutions. The four one one in twenty thirteen

 NO MORE LIES!!

• I     I must not tell lies. There’s a tendency to do this when about to hear a story I’m quite frankly not interested in. My nearest and dearest suffer no end to this avail. I will hereby strive to be equally appalled that The Red Cross refused to take my Nan's table due to a tiny pin like scratch on a leg or that the price of carrots have gone up 3p in Sainsburys. It is of course an outrage and I CARE!

• 2    I must not call my boyfriend obscenities simply because he seems wholly unable to make a Tuna Panini.  It’s clearly not deliberate that his two paninis turn out perfectly and yet mine resembles the contents of a trodden on McDonalds burger (if you’ve seen this before you’ll know what I mean). It’s also not his fault that he can’t cook a simple dish without the contents of the pan going all over the wall. The mince is of course clearly still alive and is trying to save it’s own bacon before drowning in a pool of Bolognese sauce. I must take deep breaths and smile. My therapist – Auntie – swears by this.

• 3    I must not try and run before I can walk. It’s a biological impossibility and yet I have tried to defy this in all other walks of life. If your body can’t do it, it cannot be done. And don’t let that horrible Roosevelt walk attempt in Pearl Harbour convince you otherwise!

• 4    I will have something published. Or have produced some lovely copy for a campaign. To anyone reading this, please do not be put off. I have had the luxury of rubbing shoulders with some marvelous copywriters these past 2 years and am now excellent at copying.

• 5    Every month I will do something to make Dazed and Confused (the grandmothers) smile. Even if this means listening to stories of burst catheters and the comings and goings of the neighbours cat. These lovely ladies have taught me well these past 25 years and there’s nothing they wouldn’t do for me. Like get out photos of me before and after uni to helpfully point out exactly where on my face I’ve put on weight or explain at length exactly why ‘orphan Annie’ look just doesn’t work for me.

• 6    I will give my father the time of day. His mid life crisis – sorry epiphany – may actually come in use as I could do with a bitesize economics A level crash course. I’ll have those numbers just leaping out of the spreadsheet any minute now.

• 7    I must not tell lies. Let last years resolutions be a lesson. If it needs engraving on my right hand then so bloody be it!